Jan 16: Tyler called me. I got drunk.

Jan 17: Day on the couch. Im attempting to make the right phone calls and decisions about Tracy.

Jan 18: Went to Maine with Sam and laughed a lot in the evening. I keep thinking about Tracy.

Jan 19: I came home from work. Today was the public announcement.

Jan 20: Funeral. I didn’t go of course.

Jan 21: SNOW! Around 3-4 inches fell.

I know that time is passing at the same rate it always is but to me right now it is doing two very different things. It is both standing still and fleeting by.

This rest of the trip is coming, almost looming, and I can’t wait for it to come and then again… I’m dreading it. There is such a duality surrounding the thing that I almost can’t get a grasp on it at all. I can’t wait to spend my days on the water, seeing new things every moment, solving problems, slowing the pace of life, drinking up all that the sea has to offer us. I CAN wait for the stress, the dirty-ness, the fear, the uncomfortable facts about living outside. It’s a catch-22… a good one.

Maine. I have a love-hate relationship with it. (like the trip)

To quote the late Andrew Wyeth, “I prefer winter and fall, when you feel the bone structure of the landscape – the loneliness of it, the dead feeling of winter. Something waits beneath it, the whole story doesn’t show.”

Winter is beautiful here. It is such an awesome thing when the earth is made anew again. Fresh every time the snow falls. It’s blanketed in absolute undeniable beauty often here. We live on the bay and I don’t really know if I can really communicate the crisp clean stark purity that the snow brings. I love it.

then again,

ugh. so much trouble. its freezing here all the time. when they plow, the snow piles are everywhere and they look horrid and oily and brown and really depressing. it makes driving tough and downright dangerous sometimes. my entire body tenses up just with the thought of braving the cold. i am not made for this environment. give me a front porch, a rocking chair, a sun dress, and some sweet tea!

Dan is at a bible study with the men of our church. I am happy he is there. I can’t be his elder or his spiritual leader and I believe that everyone needs someone to teach them and lead them. Iron sharpening iron… I want him to continue to grow as a man of God and I want to glean from that. I miss him though.

Time is passing. I hope I’m consciously living in today and not always in the future. Just a thought.

We went over to a friends house the other night and I fell down twice walking there on the icy sidewalks. now my shoulder is KILLING me and I refuse to pick up anyone’s heavy items at target. I simply scan their ridiculously heavy buckets of kitty litter and let them do the heavy lifting. They can handle it. The ice was nuts. I probably shouldn’t have been wearing my Toms though. O well…

I finished my Christmas shopping for everyone on my list INCLUDING dan, which is an accomplishment since we are always together. I can’t wait to go home. It’s going to be so sweet to be in good ole’ NC again. Call me if you wanna see us. I want to see you…

also… Dan quit Santa’s workshop too. funny.